Future Pregnancies

I've been thinking more lately about what future pregnancies will be like. We haven't decided yet when we are going to try again, and when we do we will likely not share. We have always been very open about our fertility journey and talked a lot about it in the three years that we tried for Landon. Then, we took advantage of Mother's Day to share our pregnancy with close family and friends very early (four weeks along). We shared with Facebook early as well and I wouldn't change a think about how we did that. Landon was lived by everyone so very early and he needed that love. Not to say our future children don't deserve that, but things have changed and there were negatives that came along with the "publicity" of our first pregnancy. People included themselves on our journey and often felt they had been through it with us. I don't mean to be rude, but they didn't have a damn clue. When we lost Landon some people came out of the woodwork that were extremely distressed over the loss, and whe that is wonderful I can't help but wonder where they were when he was alive. Because I sure didn't see them. 

Anyways, I digress. Although I do not foresee another pregnancy occurring anytime soon, I think about it frequently. I mourn the loss of my son but I also desperately miss being pregnant. I loved being pregnant and, aside from how it ended, I think I was pretty damn good at it. I think every day about what it would be like if I were pregnant still. I'd be 26 weeks along and we would be in awe of making it so far after waiting so long. Mostly I think about my sweet husband feeling his son kick his hands. 

We made the choice that we did, to have Landon quickly and in a hospital after my water broke, because we didn't want to risk me getting an infection that could make it impossible for us to have our own children in the future. So of course I think about those subsequent pregnancies. I've become very active in recent weeks and I think about how I will struggle to want to be fit for the health of the baby but also scared to push myself too far. I can't let go of how one little movement I made immediately led to my water breaking and while I know that it wasn't my fault I know that that've meant was the final straw. I think perhaps it would be easier if I had some more answers about what happened that day. Right now I wonder about my cervix being weak, but I haven't done any research to find out if that is something that can be missed until what happened to me happens. Regardless, I think about how I will be able to balance the fear of losing another child with some sort of excitement. I mourn the opportunity to share with my husband that he is going to be a father again and get a completely excited response. When I told him I was pregnant with Landon it was by far the best day of my life. His reaction was more than I could have imagined and knowing that it ended in heartbreak is something I'm not sure how other stillborn moms survive. I just think about how I will never be THAT happy again. But my dad tolde that every child brings a different happiness and they are all equally great and I choose to believe that is true. So, I look forward to having a private pregnancy and I fear my anxieties and my ability to give this pregnancy all of my heart like I did with Landon. And deep down I just hope and pray that I get the chance to be pregnant again, and that when we do decide to try again we aren't on another three year plus journey and that no matter how long it takes we get to bring home a baby next time. 

Running.

I just went running. I walked as much as I ran, but I fucking ran. The last time I remember really running, not just jogging, is fifth grade. I ran the 50 yard dash during field day and I won. I remember practicing for field day the week before and falling and skinning my knee and I still ran field day and I still won. That's the last time I remember not being scared of getting hurt. Not that I fell and hurt myself more than the average kid but I would say I was more scared of it than the average kid. Since then I feel like life has handede some pretty decent reasons to quit (asthma, injuries, a busy schedule) and I have ran with each one as a solid excuse as to why I couldn't possibly be active anywhere. 

I'm coping better. Today I had a handful or devastatingly sad thoughts about not being pregnant anymore and I didn't let them bring my whole day down. But then I decided it had been a good day and I should get out my fall clothes, try them on, and hang them in the closet. That didn't end well. Suddenly I was pissed. Here I am, not pregnant and no baby, no sign I ever was, and here I am looking like I went full term with the pre-pregnancy fat to boot. I can't change a goddamn thing about any of that. But I could find something productive to do. So I got dressed and told mike I was going for a run. A real run, or at least my version of it. And now I feel a little bit better. Now I've accomplished something and now I win today. 

And here I am with a dog that needs nothing more out of life than a human to throw this raggedy old toy.