Change of seasons.

Including my last couple of posts, I have been having a hard time. For about a week I was really having to fight to pull myself up out of a slump of depression. I did well to keep busy but I even shared with Mike the other day that there have been a handful of moments every day where I am nearly brought to my knees. It took me a bit to realize that these moments typically correlate with liking at myself in the mirror. Be it when I'm getting ready for the day or as I pass it on my way in or out of the bedroom. I should be, as I like to say, heavily pregnant by now. I should be "out to here" with baby. But it's just flat flabby gut now. I have figured out that the struggle is because of the sudden "extreme" winter weather. This is absolutely my favorite time of year. When I was pregnant I thought many times that if you had told me at Christmas I would be ready to pop the next time we celebrated the holiday, I would never have believed it. I guess because it wouldn't be true! But I looked forward so much to being pregnant through the holidays. Copious amounts of food and close family gatherings and all of us knowing that next year we would be celebrating our child's first holiday season. This was supposed to be our last season just the two of us and now we not know if that will be true or not. So now I'm doing all of these things and going through the motions knowing that a part of the season isn't here. It's hard because I have always felt the magic of Christmas and the holiday season down to my bones. Now, while I do feel some excitement, that magic is gone for the first time. I'm just so damn empty sometimes. We were so close, ya'll. We had our family and our dream come true and now it's all gone. And the worst part of thinking about trying again is the tense back-and-forth between optimism that now we know I can become pregnant and the reminder that it took three years and a round of Clomid after one failed IUI for that to become a true statement. And that doesn't even begin to open the can of worms that will be pregnancy after loss should we ever get to that point. It's easy for me to think of the logistics of pregnancy but when I start to think of myself, it's just a complete disaster. 

So I am up while Mike sleeps waiting to see if it's going to snow just a little before I go to sleep. Wish my luck that a little snowflake lands on the ground and gives me a little bit of the magic back.