I just finished writing one of the final papers for the course I'm taking right now, so I can promise that this entry will be concise. Of course I was watching Les Mis because it apparently stimulates me to be productive. Anyhow, I finished my paper just before the finale, where Jean Valjean dies and Cosette falls to the ground and Marius scoops her up in his arms. This moment is always so flawless in the movies. The husband always knows exactly what to say and do when the wife falls apart. For a long time in my marriage, although I was never less that fully satisfied with things just as they were, this was not a reality for me. Mike did not grow up in a family that shares emotions. Once every few years they'll get together and get piss drunk and start talking about their childhood and fall into one another's arms. Aside from those moments, though, grief and stress tends to turn my sweet husband into stone. Things change when they need to, though. Watching that scene made me return to the doctor's office when he stepped out to let us have a few minutes after giving us the news that Landon was not going to make it. I couldn't tell you how he came to wrap his arms around me but just as soon as I took a breath he'd already enveloped me. He spoke right away and pulled me closer and in the most imperfect day of my life he was the perfect person to experience it with.
It's been a bit challenging, as expected, to find the holiday spirit this year. It's actually gone better than I anticipated, though. It took me a long time but I finally pulled the tree out like I always do on thanksgiving. It was later in the day but not for lack of desire, I was simply distracted. The flame isn't as strong as it was but there is still a little passion in there this year for the holidays. The lights are hung and I survived thinking that I shouldn't be allowed to climb the ladder for my big 35-week-belly every time I moved it two feet and stepped up onto it. The presents are bought for the family Christmas, that I honestly didn't anticipate attending because I was sure the thought of driving an hour and a half each way while 37 weeks pregnant would be the least desirable thing in the world. I've swallowed the fact that I'm likely to encounter those I know that were about as far along as me this holiday season. And I'm doing pretty good with it. I'm living on the fact that maybe this can still be our last Christmas without a little one in our arms. I'm praying that next year I will hang lights with a monitor attached to my hip as a wee one naps inside.
A lot of my survival has been thanks to my decision to pick up a copy of the pathology report. It was really easy to do! I just went into the doctor's office, signed a piece of paper, and they printed it up on the spot! I spent many hours on Google later translating what it all meant and I'm happy for numerous reasons. First, there is official documentation that I had a son. It says right on the paper that he was a male! I knew this but seeing it on paper means the world. My little boy was roughly 6.5 ounces and a long 21 cm! He was small for his gestational size and had thymic involution. I'm not entirely sure but my current understanding is that the thymic involution was the cause of his small size and could have been something that was going on already and may have initiated the "spontaneous abortion" (something we would have seen on the anatomy scan the next week), or it may have been something that was initiated by my premature rupture of the membranes. There were numerous signs of infection which again could have happened prior to or following the rupture of the membranes. Finally, there was a clot in my placenta consistent with some abruption. This also could have happened prior to or after my membranes ruptured but what I do know about this is that my doctor said I was already passing placental tissue when he saw me in his office so this abruption most likely started in the few hours between my membranes rupturing and his exam. None of this, aside from him being small, is really news to me, but it's helped me put together the pieces a little better. I still don't know what order things occurred in or what exactly caused my little man to pass but they are all related, research has found strong correlations between thymic involution and premature rupture of membranes and the same can be said for placental abruption. It just makes me happy that something makes sense. I also know there are a few things I want to pay more attention to in my subsequent pregnancies and that's a little piece of mind and power.
Well concise may have been a bit misleading in the beginning, but at least the update was straight to the point!
