The Craziest Month

Well, I just shared all of the blog posts leading up to now! I apologize if they are out of order, trying to publish them from the iPad was a little confusing because of they way I have them saved. Anyhow, I am now 8 weeks and 3 days pregnant! We have been blessed to see our sweet baby twice! While this is all exciting, it has not been the smoothest ride by any means. In short, there has been an episode of decent spotting, bed rest, a second sac found, a second sac gone, and some other questioning symptoms that are too personal to share if you get my drift! So although I am happy, or over the moon even, and we have shared with family and friends, and seen our beautiful baby growing with a gorgeous heartbeat, I will take this post to share the reality of pregnancy after loss. I have never been popping into the restroom so frequently in my entire life just to check my panty liner. I have never been so cautious with my body and the activities it does. I have never been so nervous. Today after a long night of anxiety over something downright silly, I let it all out. I was sitting in the office praying for the health of our child and reminding myself how thankful I am for every day with this child and that I would not trade a minute of worry to have not had my time with sweet Landon. And then I just started crying. "God, I am so tired. I am so scared. I am worried that all of my children will live in heaven and I won't get to experience life on earth holding my child's hand. I am just so tired and so scared". You see, I don't feel stressed every day. I am not always irrational. But some days it all falls down around me and and I just get lost. I truly am thankful for the days I have had with my children, but I am human and I am scared. This journey is unpredictable, I know more than many, and it is one to take a day at a time.