Reality

I woke up this morning with a little boy on my mind. I made it through our due date with minimal tears and was able to keep pretty positive. I worried it would be difficult after the due date because we would have been in our first day of parenting. I'm doing fairly well, having the distraction of my wisdom tooth extraction and days of sleeping through it all. I wouldn't say I am exceptionally sad or even sad at all but today it is true that I have given a lot of thought to where we should have been now. I woke up feeling around for him in the bed, wondering why I was so well rested and why Mike was headed off to work like it was just another day. The reality set in then. We are parents, I know this, but we do not parent. We are not, regrettably, raising a child today. We are on no new adventures. And the reality of things is that we will likely not be on that adventure for a while. Our trying again has been delayed by a handful of things and, anyways, it took three years to get pregnant with Landon. We will be lucky if it takes less than that the second time around. As it is we have done nothing to prevent pregnancy since he was born in August and we are still not pregnant. I will not be holding a my own child in my arms, for a very long time, at best. And well, that's just a kind of shitty reality.