Revelation

Today has been a day where my heart is tired. It may sound petty or trivial. We are so young and have so many options still but I am so tired of waiting. I am all waited out. Ever since New Years, I have been giving serious thought to putting the babies on the back burner and going to work. Starting a career instead of starting a family. Turning a blind eye to my ambition of being a mom by 25. Maybe it will happen later. Maybe when I'm 35 and have paid off all the debt and saved up all the money we can adopt. By then we will have it all together. We will follow the path of all of the other infertile couples. Work, then babies. It seems like the smart choice. Although, even knowing that one day we could adopt or find a surrogate or, whatever, I would still pull the nice, paid-off car into the driveway, and walk into the nice house in the nice part of whatever town we are stationed in, put down my purse, and not hear little feet running to greet me. Every day I would still be waiting in that empty home. And when I started writing this it was because that seemed like some revelation of why we need to go hard now, make things happen, do all we can to get pregnant as soon as possible. But now it seems like, well that's not really all that different from what we are doing now. What's the difference? Then at least I would have the distraction, something to show for my hard work. I can guarantee some sort of reward for a hard day at work. But I can't guarantee shit about a hard day waiting for a baby. Fighting for a baby. Clearly I can't show a damn thing for carrying a baby inside of me for five months. Here we are with nothing. And here I am at a point in life where I have never been so confused. So I guess there's no revelation, after all.