An Introduction

My husband Michael and I have longed for many years to be parents. We tried for three years to get pregnant, hurdling over various deployments and workups as well as the obstacle of mild PCOS. In May 2014 I took a test on a whim and discovered I was pregnant. I had never seen a positive pregnancy test in all my years of trying and I couldn't believe this was finally it. I was only 3 weeks and 3 days along, 9 days post ovulation, and this little baby wanted us to know it was there! I told Michael that afternoon that he was going to be a dad by wrapping some clothes I had bought just for this purpose and placing the positive pregnancy tests on top. We told my parents and set up a doctor's appointment- this was all finally happening and we couldn't have been more over-the-moon. We were finally going to have our family. I would grow rounder and feel kicks and get uncomfortable and finally bring our sweet child into the world and hold him or her in my arms and heart forever. Remembering my husband's reaction will always put a smile on my face, although now that smile is followed with a tinge of bitterness.
The day I made it to 19 weeks, we were going to have an ultrasound to determine the sex of our baby. I already knew how healthy he or she was because I was growing and thriving and feeling little kicks every day. Our excitement had led to the room already being prepared with furniture and we were so ecstatic to share with the world if we would have a son or a daughter.
I had trouble sleeping the night before because I was so looking forward to the early doctor's appointment the next morning. Around 5 am, I rolled over in bed and suddenly felt a gush. I was peeing the bed! But soon the humor and embarassment fled as it didn't stop, and I knew it was more than just a fluke of being pregnant. My water had broken at exactly 19 weeks. We were instructed by the on-call nurse to go to the nearest ER. There they showed us the baby's heartbeat and profile on an ultrasound and we relaxed some, although I could hear the doctor tell the nurse that I was "about a fingertip". This hospital had no OB services so they contacted our doctor and told us to sit tight and go to our scheduled appointment, as he would be able to tell us more about what was going on. We rested at home for about an hour and headed to the doctor. The nurse found the heartbeat on the doppler and it was strong, and I could feel baby kick as the machine rubbed across my belly. The doctor did a pelvic exam and tested the fluid in my cervix. He regretfully told us that my water had broken and we were going to lose the baby. At 19 weeks and with no waters left, there was no way the baby could survive. We searched and searched for alternative measures but there were none. We chose to have the baby in the hospital and were admitted not long after leaving the doctor's office. Everyone we saw was amazed that I was not experiencing labor pains as I was already dilating and passing tissue through my cervix, and my water had broken hours ago.
My contractions were helped along with medication and at 1915 I gave birth to the most beautiful baby boy I have ever seen. Landon Edward was born sleeping and went to be with his Grampa, my husband's father, in heaven. We didn't hold him but we looked at him and cried over how perfect he was. Later, I would feel guilt about letting him be born early, about not holding him and about letting him die inside of my womb. I would feel and experience more than I ever thought possible. The intention of this blog is to talk about it all, to help me heal and to put into words as best I can the terror of losing a child that you loved for years before they were even conceived and yet you never got to hold or kiss or raise. This blog will be about pain and healing and some terrible attempt and beginning to live a new sort of normal.