I've often heard it said that in times of need we rally around those that need us. While I understood what that meant as a basic idea, I don't think that I have ever really felt the meaning of the phrase. Perhaps there have been times in my life where I needed help but refused to acknowledge it, and in those moments I found my own strength and have been proud to pull myself back up and move on. This has not always been without the encouragement of friends and family, but in my hardest moments I have made it my mission to be my own hero. For the first time in my life, I know that I cannot rise up against the world on my own. Losing Landon changed me in a lot of ways, and this has been the first time that I did not fight the helping hands of others.
There are a lot of people that have offered condolences, love, and support, and those people do not go unnoticed or unappreciated. Every word has meant the world to me as they show how truly loved my son was and is. But I've seen the difference between offering support and truly rallying around someone that needs us. I have an image in my mind of how I feel right now. I lay in the center of the floor in a mess, and there are people in my life that I see surrounding me, keeping me safe, offering me love, and helping me up when I am ready. These people I see are the people I feel around me every day. Be them right next door or across the country, I swear to you that I physically feel the warmth of their love surrounding me. These are the people that you realize make up your world, and while others that love and care for you (and you for them) are important in your life, these are the ones that are your life. This isn't determined by blood or friendship or circumstance, but by the soul. Souls connect and nothing feels quite like that.
I am so grateful for those that have offered support and love as well as to those that rally around me. Today, my son would be a month old. In a few short days we will be at the "viability" mark, and the day when the textbooks say a baby may be saved. This is the hardest thing that I have ever experiences, and after three years of trying and constant struggles in other areas of my life, it's impossible not to wonder what I did to deserve this suffering or even how God could let this happen. Where was God when my son died inside of my womb? Wasn't it God that offered me the greatest gift in the world and then tore it out of me? This is a time during which it is difficult to keep my faith. I have never been a church-goer but I have always believed in God. The moment I discovered I was pregnant I knew he must be real. I had angels looking over me and God guiding me and offering me a chance to create a life and teach a child how to be good in the heart and share that goodness with the world. But now I don't have that and it's hard not to be mad at God.
The sole idea that keeps me connected with God is that he has provided me with the most amazing angels here on earth. I feel the warmth of these angels every day. Sometimes I get to experience that love with a phone call or a hug, sometimes a game night or crying together about my loss or the struggles of my friends. Whatever it is, I know that God has sent these people to envelop me in their love and to teach me how to do the same when they need me. I cannot imagine any explanation or understanding of why such a pain as I feel every day deep inside of my heart even exists in the world. But there is also no explanation for the blessings that I have received in terms of those that have rallied around me and to me that means there is something out there that is taking care of me and that brought these people into my world.
One day I hope that that force, be it God or the universe or the sun or anything, blesses me again with the chance to share my love with a child, and to share a child with the man that makes my heart beat every day. I will never stop hoping for that. But I know that there is something greater than me and tonight, after what I'm sure will be a day of crying and aching, I will go to bed with hope in my heart and the love of my earth-angels keeping me warm.
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