Viability.

My morning today was great and productive. About halfway through lunch the sinking feeling joined me once again. I was happy when Mike asked if I could bring lunch to the office, because I know it is good in those moments to get away from my own thoughts and to interact with others. 

As I was driving to grab him lunch, it occurred to me what has been bothering me for the last few days. I'm living my life as though I was never pregnant, it seems. There is no way to live other than the way I am- picking myself up and moving forwards, living for Landon and doing my best to find happy moments. But five weeks later it's all such a distant memory. I feel completely detached from my memories of being pregnant. I don't remember what it feels like until I feel a phantom kick, and it makes me feel like maybe I imagined them as kicks but that's not what they were at all. I can't recall the feeling of having life inside of me. The psych student in me has come up with two reasons that this is the case. First, it is clearly a defense mechanis for me to prevent a longing for the feeling it or a constant reminder of what I am missing or should be experiencing now. When I think about how my belly would have grown in five weeks, I am crushed. Secondly, I did not experience the standard or desired conclusion to being pregnant, so part of my mind believes I must have never been pregnant. Whatever the reason, it's miserable but I'm sure it's for the best. I am sure when I do become pregnant again, my memories will come flooding back to me. 

Tonight I lost my shit when a baby frog got in the house. I thought it was a cricket because we have been having issues with that, so I yelled at Mike to kill it. When I realized it was a baby frog I lost it. Mike swears up and down he didn't kill it, he was able to get it outside before killing it. But my sweet husband would lie to me a hundred times if he thought it would heal my heart, so I'll never really know. The moment I realized I told him to kill the frog, I thought if course I said to do that, I even told the doctors they could take my baby from me. I didn't think, I just reacted. 

Then it occurred to me that tomorrow is a day I have been dreading- tomorrow would have been 24 weeks and instead it's five weeks gone. We would have reached viability. I hate what-ifs, but I can't help it here. Thankfully my sweet Mike held me whoe I cried and helped me realize that even if we had made it this far, he may have been born early and suffered pain, and may have passed anyways. He was spared all of the pain this way, and it was our only option. We didn't choose it. Our angel went to heaven having never suffered. Most of the time I believe thatd and most of the time it brings me peace.