Birth Story

Newly Pregnant

36-ish Weeks

Ok, third time is a charm. This is my third attempt at writing this (note to self- the mobile version of Blogger does not save drafts...or I haven't figured it out anyhow). So I wish I had blogged more during pregnancy, but there wasn't much to say. I thought about blogging my feelings/emotional experiences, but any time I would start to put it together in my head it would start one way and take off into a totally different direction that even I couldn't follow. So, it didn't happen. To sum up the time that I baked our little bun, I had a cervical cerclage placed at week 14 and removed at week 36. I was pretty inactive throughout pregnancy- I probably could have done more. However, we also had a very uneventful pregnancy in terms of stress and injury. Somewhere in the late 20's we saw that my cervix had started to funnel towards the stitch, so any hope I had of becoming active with that stitch in was gone. Oh, when it came out though! I had missed moving so much! I walked and bounced and stretched....apparently until he just had to come out!

Cerclage Day

Bouncing the baby out, apparently!

(If you would like to know more about cervical cerclage please comment- I'm not sure anyone will read this but I'd love to write more in detail when I get the chance).

So this brings us up to my 37 week routine appointment. (Apparently no selfie was taken on this day :( ). This was the OB's ultimate goal, anything after week 37 would have been great for delivery. At 37 weeks 1 day I had my cervix checked for the third time. Mike joked that it would be great if I happened to be like, 4 cm dilated and in labor. I had hoped, actually I had hoped the whole pregnancy that I would discover I was in labor in the doctor's office- I spent 37 weeks telling her I didn't think I would feel/recognize contractions because I hadn't with Landon up until the moment he was born, even if he was only 19 sweet weeks. So, I had hoped, but had resided myself to the fact that many cerclage patients actually go beyond their due date because of scar tissue- it just works that well. My wonderful doctor came in and asked some questions, I told her I felt a little off but no physical change, hardly even any Braxton Hicks contractions anymore, they had fizzled out over the previous weeks (that was of course until she lay me down to check me, I had one cute little BH then). "Mikael Mikael Mikael....you are 4 cm and fully effaced". She asked how long I had been contracting and I told her I had no clue, that I wasn't feeling a thing. So she sent me across the parking lot to L&D. The plan was to monitor me for at least a few hours. If my contractions were really spaced out and weak we may have been sent home but any sort of consistency and we would keep me. Now, this was the plan due to the fact that I was feeling nothing, my water was nearly bulging, and mostly, we live an hour from the hospital. Off we went to get checked in, trying to grasp the fact that it was probably baby day!

Getting all hooked up!

The room was beautiful (thank you, Tricare).

I was having consistent contractions, but no real pattern. They were strong enough and regular enough though, to keep me. We walked the halls a little and the room. When my doctor came in she was pretty excited and told me she'd like to break my waters. Now, this is a decision I've thought back on a lot. I wanted to avoid this unless labor really needed to be kick-started. But here we were, 4 "good" centimeters, feeling none of my contractions, and an hour from home. So I let her, and then it became very real. 

For a long time it was a joke with the doctor and nurses that I couldn't feel them. My OB even said if they heard a baby crying, they would know I'd had him and wander in then. I reminded her I had been right all along-  I never would have known I was in labor until we were much further along. 

So my water was broken around 12:30-1pm. Between 1 and 2 hours later I started finally feeling contractions after more walking around. Obviously, they progressed. 

Not feeling a thing!! Last belly shot! 

Feeling pretty good. Oh, I think I just had another! *dainty laugh*

Oooh here they are. Still, I've got this. Breath in, breath out. Lets have this baby.

Oh holy hell. I think I might get an epidural. END THIS.

I was going to go all natural. But here's what had happened...... 

We hadn't slept much the night before, when I started feeling off. I couldn't get comfortable and I kept telling myself that I was in this for another few weeks and I had to find a way to sleep. I would need the energy during labor, or I wouldn't be able to go natural. Except I didn't have a few weeks, I didn't have the energy I needed, and thus, I did not go natural. 

I was doing great until about 6 cm at 8:30 ish pm. The problem was that I was so exhausted I couldn't keep my eyes open- but the contractions could. When I was awake and on the monitor, I could hear his heart rate go up a little and knew one was coming. I would prepare myself mentally and work through it. But then I started falling asleep between contractions so they would just shake my whole body- by the time I realized I was having one it was so far ahead of me I just couldn't catch up. So I caved. I knew I needed sleep and I wanted to get even some kind of rest that lasted more than 30 seconds before the baby came. 

It took about an hour before they were able to give me the epidural because of the fluid you have to have and calling in the anesthesiologist. At this point I was no longer really able to speak- which was a real problem because I had to verbally confirm all of my information before they could give me the epidural. I've never spoken so quietly and quickly in my life. During this whole procedure I was stuck in what felt like one strong contraction that couldn't let up. They had no problem getting me to stay still because I couldn't move anyways!

So I got it and looked forward to just laying down for a few minutes with lessened sensation. It was at this point that Mike decided it was his last chance to run out and get dinner. I could not have cared less because I was realizing this epidural had gotten rid of the peak of the pain but the pressure was so intense I was probably not going to get that rest after all. After he walked out the door and the nurse got me into a position that would help him finish getting himself into the right spot (the baby, that is) she checked me. 9 cm! I had changed 3 cm in the time it took me to get the epidural. This is why I do not regret my decision. It was what this labor and this baby called for. So I text Mike to let him know but we knew I still had a little time before I would be ready to push, and looked at pushing for about an hour after that based on the nurse's estimate. 

He got back and ate and I didn't care because some small part of me was relaxing in between the intense pressure and I couldn't speak or move anyways. They had told me that when it was time to push, the pressure wouldn't let up. After Mike ate and he was standing at my bedside I let him know in humor that I didn't feel like I needed to push...I felt like the baby was just pushing himself out. It had been MAYBE 30 minutes since I had been checked at 9 cm but still, he went to the nurse and let her know that I felt like the baby was escaping. She came to check me and yep, time to push! Now it was getting exciting!

She got me in the stirrups as the various nurses that would be involved brought everything in and got ready. I overheard her tell the baby nurse that they don't call the doctor in right away for first time moms because it takes a bit and they had to do some practice pushes anyways. While they set up, I did my first practice push at the end of a contraction. They wanted 3 pushes every contraction. So I did my first practice push and Mike came over and grabbed my leg and the next contraction started. One push, good job! I started to push a second time: STOP PUSHING! I was crowning! One nurse ran for the doctor and she ran in quickly as I was told again to stop pushing to which I replied "I'm not, I swear!". The doctor made it in, started putting on one glove, looked at me, hurried into another glove (no gown or anything else) and turned around to essentially catch the baby. Cooper James was born at 10:25 pm, nearly all on his own. We had our skin-to-skin, and they took him to wash up a bit while they worked on me. I had a minor tear but a lot of blood, it just wasn't going as they planned. Eventually it was enough for them to stop working on me and we had some wonderful time together. We tried a few medications and finally in the middle of the night it calmed. The rest is history! I'm holding my 6 week old and finishing this with one finger because someone is hungry. Thanks for reading!

The Craziest Month

Well, I just shared all of the blog posts leading up to now! I apologize if they are out of order, trying to publish them from the iPad was a little confusing because of they way I have them saved. Anyhow, I am now 8 weeks and 3 days pregnant! We have been blessed to see our sweet baby twice! While this is all exciting, it has not been the smoothest ride by any means. In short, there has been an episode of decent spotting, bed rest, a second sac found, a second sac gone, and some other questioning symptoms that are too personal to share if you get my drift! So although I am happy, or over the moon even, and we have shared with family and friends, and seen our beautiful baby growing with a gorgeous heartbeat, I will take this post to share the reality of pregnancy after loss. I have never been popping into the restroom so frequently in my entire life just to check my panty liner. I have never been so cautious with my body and the activities it does. I have never been so nervous. Today after a long night of anxiety over something downright silly, I let it all out. I was sitting in the office praying for the health of our child and reminding myself how thankful I am for every day with this child and that I would not trade a minute of worry to have not had my time with sweet Landon. And then I just started crying. "God, I am so tired. I am so scared. I am worried that all of my children will live in heaven and I won't get to experience life on earth holding my child's hand. I am just so tired and so scared". You see, I don't feel stressed every day. I am not always irrational. But some days it all falls down around me and and I just get lost. I truly am thankful for the days I have had with my children, but I am human and I am scared. This journey is unpredictable, I know more than many, and it is one to take a day at a time. 

5 Weeks Pregnant: Update

So I thought I'd start doing regular little updates to document my symptoms and feelings and experiences. I wish I had done more detailed updates with my first pregnancy so I'm going to make sure I do better this time around :]

Symptoms:
Shortness of breath, heaviness
Evening bloating, pants put pressure on pelvic area
Cramps/stretching feelings
Poor sleep, waking up early
I CAN'T STOP EATING
More frequent urination
Gas
Fatigue

So that has been how I have been feeling for the last week. Additionally I've been very optimistic and excited! I'm still not sure I'm feeling like I know where this is going to go, but I'm enjoying the right now and I am looking forward to growing bigger and making it further this time :]

TTC Baby Seidel # 2: Cycle 1- The Longest Weekend

Oh has it been a long weekend! Week, really. So here is the rundown on us finding out we are doctor-confirmed pregnant and that this pregnancy is viable.

So I get my beautiful positive pregnancy test Sunday afternoon. Of course as soon as I wake up in the morning on Monday I call the doctor. I made an appointment for 10:30 for my first blood draw. We scheduled my second draw for exactly 48 hours later on Wed morning. Wed morning after I left I met a friend for shopping and lunch. They called shortly after I left to let me know that my HCG was 18 (low, but it was low with Landon too) and my progesterone was high which is great. All that matters is that the HCG doubles around every 48 hours. If that doesn't happen the pregnancy is most likely not viable. So, I was not worried about my levels at all! I went to the restroom while we shopped and had very minimal, hardly noticeable spotting. This gave me only a little concern because I had it worse with Landon, it passed and things were fine. So on I went feeling pretty confident and happy that I was, at least for now, pregnant.

So I should have gotten my second draw results by Friday. Note I said should I called Friday and discovered that the lab had not yet sent them back or entered the results into the computer. The nurse said that if they got them she would call before they leave but, if not, Monday it is.

So it's Monday! I called this morning and discovered that the lab had STILL not returned my results! The same nurse from Friday, who was very understanding, went off to track them down. About 3 hours later a different nurse called with my results! My magic number was 36- that's where my HCG needed to be. It was 47! My progesterone was low so the doctor called in a progesterone supplement for me to be on for the first 14 weeks of pregnancy (10 more weeks of progesterone!). I was able to pick it up at a pharmacy here in town. We also scheduled my first appointment! March 30th we will go see our little firefly! I am over the moon and so excited!!! I can't wait to share all of this with all of you and am excited that we will share with my parents this weekend!

TTC Baby Seidel #2- Cycle 1- 12dpo/CD27: SUCCESS!!

Well I have likely done an announcement post by this time and you are just catching up on how we got here. Today we got a positive pregnancy test! So here is how it all happened. We took Clomid days 3-7 and timed intercourse. I was very optimistic and then, around 8dpo (days past ovulation) was very discouraged. As you've read, I found out on 8dpo with Landon so when it was negative that day, although it was early, I was sure I was out. The following few days I was going absolutely crazy. I felt desperate and disappointed and obsessed with being pregnant or not being pregnant. I can look back now and say it's because I just knew that I was or should be and seeing that I wasn't was completely devastating. I was having major ups and downs. Last night we stayed at my parents' house. As I woke up to toss and turn through the night (deflating air mattress!) I just felt very confident and very pregnant. I was peaceful and happy. I was going to wait until tomorrow morning to test but I tested when we got home and I'm so glad I did. We are over the moon and waiting for the next steps. I will call in the morning and likely go for blood work so that we can monitor my HCG levels. Here are some pics until I have more information.

Taken Saturday early morning/11 dpo. It looks more positive in the picture than it did in person, I did not believe this was a true positive.

Our bright and shining positive! Sunday afternoon/12dpo!

TTC Baby Seidel #2- Cycle 1, Day 22

I have to admit that I am feeling discouraged today. It is only 7 dpo. I found out at 8dpo with Landon which was still incredibly early. There is no reason to believe that I am not pregnant- I had no symptoms leading up to finding out with Landon, and only had a terrible head cold and fatigue for the first weeks after the positive test. We know exactly when I ovulated, we had the extra boost of Clomid, and we timed everything just right, so really, why wouldn't I be pregnant? But after trying for three years with Landon, it seems like that would be too easy. I've gone from being excited for all the good juju to being nervous that it is all jinxed now. What I know for sure is that people shouldn't have to suffer infertility and they shouldn't have to suffer miscarriages but to have to suffer both is absolutely beyond comprehension. I tried for years, I finally felt the relief of expectation, I lost my child and now I am back to trying and not knowing if it will ever happen again. Instead of feeling like we know I can get pregnant, I tend to think that that may have been our one shot.

And then I'm typing this and a Johnson & Johnson's commercial comes on and I find a little hope in myself. This journey is indescribable, that is for sure. The emotional roller coaster that comes with it the knowledge of the true "end game" is both haunting and inspiring.

I am on day 22. In another week or so, I should know for sure if I am carrying life inside of me. And all of my heart and soul hopes that the answer will be yes, and that we can move on to the next tiresome and awesome part of this journey- doing all we can to make sure that this next baby comes home happy and healthy.

Good Juju- March 1, 2015, 6dpo Cycle 1

This entry will be short and sweet. I just have to share the mass amounts of good juju that I am basking in this cycle! My own optimism aside, I have the prayers of friends, family, and friends of family and family and friends of friends haha. I am feeling so encouraged and I just know in my heart that little fertilized-egg-baby-Seidel-#2 is burrowing in deep right now! Today I got a message from my gramma, just checking in. I told her about an article that I read about how it's beneficial for the cognitive abilities for grandparents to babysit. I am the only grandchild that doesn't have children yet, and my gramma babysits a lot! She let me know that she is very ready to take on more babies haha. This was actually pleasantly surprising because she was deeply impacted by the loss of Landon. Not 30 minutes later my mom called and straight-out asked if I was pregnant. She hadn't heard from me much lately ( I haven't called because I don't want to give too many details away about seeing the doctor and that's all I really have to share, since I'm fairly consumed with becoming pregnant) and when I was pregnant with Landon we hardly talked because I couldn't talk to her without giving it away! She couldn't wait so she just had to ask haha. I felt like those two conversations so closely together were just further signs that this will absolutely be our cycle! fertilized-egg-baby-Seidel-#2 is already so loved and wanted!

Happy Memories

I have just been having a day of happy memories. It's brought me to the conclusion that my last week with Landon was wonderful! I was loving that my belly was looking more round than flabby. I was definitely feeling kicks. I was exhausted from sitting up because I had started watching Supernatural on Netflix and had moved the ottoman right in front of the TV. I had the sewing machine set up in front of me on a TV tray and had finished (girl-themed, thanks to a terrible ultrasound tech) curtains, a bed skirt, some burp cloths and a nursing cover. I don't remember what we did on Saturday but I know on Sunday we went to the watering hole for the very first time in my life and had a great time! our friends floated me around the river and we sat in the pool and we had an absolutely fabulous time. On the way to the watering hole we stopped at a gas station and the cashier told me I looked like I was going to pop any day. I was 18 weeks 5 days. Needless to say, we won't go back to that place during our next pregnancy! But anyways, the 19 weeks we had Landon in our lives were absolutely spectacular and while I do grieve him and miss him and get upset about the time we don't have, it's important to acknowledge that we were incredibly blessed and that I wouldn't change it for the world!

TTC Baby Seidel #2- Cycle 1 (2/25/2015)

Well if you are reading this, either we have not yet conceived but have decided to share our journey, or we are pregnant with baby #2!! I do want to document this journey but, as of now, I am really looking forward to keeping our future pregnancy private and within a small group of close friends and family as it will be a wonderful but also very scary time. I'd like to keep baby in a warm, safe little bubble :] So, I will be blogging about the journey up until the time is right and then will share it all for you sweet people to look back on.

So we have not prevented pregnancy since we got the OK to resume "activity" after Landon in early September. Part of me was hopeful that I would be more fertile after having him and we would be pregnant right away. Truthfully, I never thought I would make it to his due date without being pregnant already. But I did, and here we are. Around November 2014 I went back to the OBGYN practice that helped us get pregnant with Landon. Landon was conceived with Metformin, Clomid, and timed intercourse. When we became pregnant I first questioned staying at that clinic because I could not get a blood test until 6 weeks. I then questioned remaining there because it was 45-50 minutes away. So we switched to our local OB. I was extremely happy with him and wouldn't change that pregnancy at all. However, this is a small town, it is an outdated office, and the hospital I delivered at, which did not have a NICU, was 50 minutes away. So I chose to return to a practice that was part of a big network of hospitals with the best local NICU ratings and that was already on board with helping us via Clomid or other interventions. Dr. Hart was no longer at my preferred location but they had availability with a Dr. Walker and I took them up on the appointment.

Dr. Walker has been so wonderful! When I get nervous before appointments, she walks in and completely eases my mind. She is friendly, supportive, and thorough. I have so much faith in her! We met late November and came up with a game plan. We decided to wait until after the holidays because of the craziness of our schedule. Then, I had to have my wisdom teeth removed, which was mid January. At that point I had experienced two irregular cycles. This is strange because I do have PCOS and have suffered irregular cycles but weight loss usually improves my reproductive health. Here, I was losing weight at a healthy pace and was having more and more messed-up cycles. Things were pushed back a few weeks because of that so I did schedule a second appointment just to catch up and fill her in on the chemical pregnancy we failed to mention to her in November because it was still new and we were very excited to be meeting with her. A chemical pregnancy is one that begins but does not get very far. In our case, we had a faintly positive pregnancy test in the morning and my period arrived later that day. Because of this, my HCG will be monitored early in the next pregnancy.

So fast foward to early February. The day I met with the doctor, I started! That meant that my cycle was getting more regular and we were officially on to our first active cycle TTC-ing. Today is cycle day 16 and I had a follicle scan this morning to see if I ovulated after a positive ovulation test and to check my lining. I have been confirmed to have ovulated and the ultrasound tech said I had a beautiful, thick lining! It is ready for baby! So now we are just thinking the happiest of thoughts and feeling very confident that a little eggy is fertilized and will nestle in for the next 9-10 months :] I couldn't be more excited to start this journey again! Here is a of my "chocolate chip ovary" from today!

Revelation

Today has been a day where my heart is tired. It may sound petty or trivial. We are so young and have so many options still but I am so tired of waiting. I am all waited out. Ever since New Years, I have been giving serious thought to putting the babies on the back burner and going to work. Starting a career instead of starting a family. Turning a blind eye to my ambition of being a mom by 25. Maybe it will happen later. Maybe when I'm 35 and have paid off all the debt and saved up all the money we can adopt. By then we will have it all together. We will follow the path of all of the other infertile couples. Work, then babies. It seems like the smart choice. Although, even knowing that one day we could adopt or find a surrogate or, whatever, I would still pull the nice, paid-off car into the driveway, and walk into the nice house in the nice part of whatever town we are stationed in, put down my purse, and not hear little feet running to greet me. Every day I would still be waiting in that empty home. And when I started writing this it was because that seemed like some revelation of why we need to go hard now, make things happen, do all we can to get pregnant as soon as possible. But now it seems like, well that's not really all that different from what we are doing now. What's the difference? Then at least I would have the distraction, something to show for my hard work. I can guarantee some sort of reward for a hard day at work. But I can't guarantee shit about a hard day waiting for a baby. Fighting for a baby. Clearly I can't show a damn thing for carrying a baby inside of me for five months. Here we are with nothing. And here I am at a point in life where I have never been so confused. So I guess there's no revelation, after all. 

Reality

I woke up this morning with a little boy on my mind. I made it through our due date with minimal tears and was able to keep pretty positive. I worried it would be difficult after the due date because we would have been in our first day of parenting. I'm doing fairly well, having the distraction of my wisdom tooth extraction and days of sleeping through it all. I wouldn't say I am exceptionally sad or even sad at all but today it is true that I have given a lot of thought to where we should have been now. I woke up feeling around for him in the bed, wondering why I was so well rested and why Mike was headed off to work like it was just another day. The reality set in then. We are parents, I know this, but we do not parent. We are not, regrettably, raising a child today. We are on no new adventures. And the reality of things is that we will likely not be on that adventure for a while. Our trying again has been delayed by a handful of things and, anyways, it took three years to get pregnant with Landon. We will be lucky if it takes less than that the second time around. As it is we have done nothing to prevent pregnancy since he was born in August and we are still not pregnant. I will not be holding a my own child in my arms, for a very long time, at best. And well, that's just a kind of shitty reality. 

January

I don't remember as often. I don't ever forget but here I am, days away from my due date, not quite remembering that anticipated excitement that I had for when this month would finally come. I don't remember as much what he felt like, physically. I remember in my heart the moments we were all together but I don't remember the feeling of pregnancy. I wish I could believe that floating happiness truly existed. But it's so far away now. Late at night I ask myself, was I pregnant? Do I have a child that never lived? Surely that can't be my life I'm having trouble remembering. Everything is so different now. It seems like the farther I get away from it the more doubt I have that I will ever experience those hard-to-remember feelings again. And, in part, it's already true. I will never tell my husband with pure, doubtless wonder that I am pregnant. I will always hesitate to give myself over to the expectation of a growing belly, an excited trip to the maternity store, or going full term. I won't go into appointments excited to see baby again but rather holding my breath in hopes of a heart still beating. Maybe I am wrong in some of this and I will be able to really embrace another pregnancy, but there will always be many things that I do not ever get to experience again, or for the first time even. I am forever changed and so must be my future experiences. Some days, I am made of stone. Cold so that I can be sturdy. And that wasn't me before. That wasn't a part of me. 

Tonight my soul-mate and best friend told me that January is cold in more ways than one. The cold reminds me to layer up, to find warmth and to settle into comfort, next to the people I love the most. And the cold keeps me hard and sturdy. In both ways, I weather the storm. Some days stone and some days soft and plush.

On New Years Eve.

On New Years Eve I cried. 

I survived Christmas pretty wonderfully. I hardly longed for my big baby belly for more than a fleeting moment. It was easy to just think of something else. On New Years, it was just Mike and I. I was having a hard time not thinking about what was missing all day. I hadn't anticipated New Years as an obstacle until I woke up feeling that certain way. I think I had had a terrible dream leading into the morning but I can't remember now what that was. Mike and I had dinner and a few drinks and really just sat around. When he went to bed and was asleep enough I got back up. I had a little time to myself but after a bit he found me crying, rocking in the glider. I didn't have much to say and I was reluctant to go back to bed with him. He just pulled me up out of the chair and guided me back to bed. He payed there talking to me, waiting for me to say something back. I told him that I just want our son back. I don't rarely ad,it to feeling and wanting impossible things, but I really just wanted to hold my son. Even if it meant going back to the day in the hospital and doing it over again, I just wanted to hold him. Some days I a, so sad and full of guilt that we didn't hold him when they offered. I hate that he is up in heaven now, knowing we passed at the opportunity. It re,I da me of how much we were lost little kids in that hospital too,. In the same token, we had never been more old and made of stone. We just didn't know what to do. I also find,my told Mike how terrified I am that this was not a one time occurrence. He was almost mad at me for thinking that something in me could cause us to lose more babies. Eventually, we talked about how much we both wanted to be parents and how far we could go. Trying to make me feel better he said if he only ever had me he would feel fulfilled in life. I told him I wasn't sure I could ever accept never being a mom. I think I would adopt as a final resort. He agreed. I finally exhausted myself enough to fall asleep. 

Since then I've done well at keeping busy. I found a book I love and have read 850 pages in three days. I have cooked and cleaned. I have worked hard at the gym. I stop for a second when I'm on Facebook or Instagram and I see that someone due near me has had their baby. There were quite a few people due around the same time as I was. I try not to think about what it would be like to be excitedly waiting for and then finally holding a living, breathing son. I feel robbed of the baby shower and the "no baby yet" texts and the misery of carrying a watermelon in my belly. I start resenting the things that I have done since August. Drinking, working out hard and heavy, trying to lose weight. Going to school. 

I actually feel less sure now than I did when I was pregnant. I am less sure that I am capable of or even meant to parent. I don't know if I am up to the challenge. I don't know if I'll do a good job or if Mike and I will come together as a good pair in raising a child. I'm scared as much now of being a parent as I am of not getting to ever become one. 

I think one of the struggles of New Years was what it represents. In 2010 when we started trying we thought that would be our last NYE as just a couple. This time it was a huge slap in the face. For four years I have planned around the possibility of becoming a mom. I have made choices about school and work and fitness based on the idea that surely it will happen soon. And here I am, four years later, and I am still in school, I'm still overweight, and I still have no work experience. I wonder if I'm just being irresponsible. Starting a family and then a career? It's my plan but does it even make sense? I wonder if I could, if I should, become a working woman, a money maker, someone that holds their own, and then try the family thing again later. Just wait. Just be a normal adult woman my age. Put my heart on a shelf, walk by and dust it every so often, and then pick it up and hope it still works when everything else has fallen into place. Follow the natural order of things. Maybe, even, take what we have gone through as a sign that we aren't supposed to be parents. Mike tells me all the time that it just wasn't our time. I feel like it was with my whole body but, clearly, it wasn't. Maybe we should just stop trying. I mean, if it's meant to be it will happen, right? Normal people don't have to force it. But I'm afraid that if I don't, that might really be the case, and it might not happen on its own, and I might not be ok with that. I know there is a hole in me and through all of this I think I still believe that being the mother of an earth baby is what will fill that hole. 

And the point of all of that is that I'm doing ok. I'm keeping busy and trying to remember that I decided to rise above the struggle and overcome with leaps and bounds of success. I will get fit. I will get my masters. I will find more happiness. And while I do that, I'll keep doing ok.